The New Phoenix King
by JoeMerl
Summary: /Crackfic./ "Yeah, uh...we're kinda here to overthrow you, old buddy," Sokka said. "Yeah. Sorry," Aang added, giving an awkward smile and a little shrug.


Hello, fanfiction readers. This is just a weird little tale I put together to celebrate my all-time favorite _Avatar _character, who, unfortunately, only had a small part in a single episode. So sad. But he gets a bigger role here! Ha ha.

So, anyway, if you enjoy this story (or even if you don't), feel free to press that nice little "Submit Review" button to tell me what you think. And while you're at it, you could look up my other _Avatar_ one-shot, "First Name Basis," or my stories in other fandoms. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Fire Lord Zuko sat back on his throne and sighed.

Outside the palace window, the sun was slowly setting behind the mountains, sending a beautiful red glow over the palace grounds. It was hard for him to enjoy it, however; it had been a long, depressing day. If he had thought that overthrowing his father's tyrannical rule was going to make his life any easier, well, today had definitely proven him very much mistaken.

So many problems to deal with! The Fire Nation was supposed to be helping to rebuild the Earth Kingdom, but without all the resources that came from the conquered nation, Zuko could not find the money to do that _and_feed his starving army. At the same time, the decolonization process was going badly, as he had to organize the re-entry into the country of thousands of people, while others, often those who had been born in the colonies and never even seen the fatherland, refused to leave--Zuko was trying to work something out with the Earth King about dual citizenship. Even these processes were being interrupted by angry people who continued to attack Fire Nationals out of bitterness, while half of his own country hated him, convinced that he had stopped the Fire Nation from achieving its ultimate glory.

"So many problems," Zuko muttered, putting his face in his hand. He wished Uncle was here; maybe he should send him a messenger hawk? But no, he kept saying that Zuko had to learn to deal with these problems himself, learn and grow into his new position and blah blah blah blah blah. Zuko knew he just didn't want to get suckered in to coming over to help, lazy old bum...or if Azula was here, that would be busy. She could always just blast blue lightning at people until they did what she said...

Just then, a sudden noise interrupted Zuko's thoughts. He looked up, startled, as something shook the large throne room doors, a huge BANG! mingled with the sounds of fighting. Zuko half-rose, mind racing, wondering what to do, when the doors suddenly burst open, and his Imperial Firebender guards fell back, herded inside by a large group marching into the room.

"What the--"

He rushed forward, raising his arms defensively, palms and fingertips already growing hot with the Firebending energy building inside them--but before he could even begin to fight this throng of people someone had leaped through the air towards him, giving him a half-dozen sharp stabs all over his body. He let out a cry and staggered back, falling against his throne, holding his suddenly-aching body.

"Wha--Ty Lee?! What the hell?!"

"Sorry, Zuko," she said, cocking her head to one side and smiling brightly. "But we can't let you stop the glorious march of our revolutionary army! Tee-hee!"

"Revolu--_what?!_"

He glanced up at the crowd that had assembled in his throne room--these were not just Fire Nation soldiers, he saw, but also people from the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes. And, with a start, he realized he knew about half the people there.

"Katara?! Sokka?! Mai?! Uncle?! _Aang?!_ What are you all doing here?"

"Yeah, uh...we're kinda here to overthrow you, old buddy," Sokka said.

"Yeah. Sorry," Aang added, giving an awkward smile and a little shrug.

"Over--over_throw_ me?! On what grounds?!" He had ended the war, begun the decolonization and brought peace and prosperity over the world. He hadn't done anything deserving of this, not one evil thing! Well, okay, he had taken a _little_ bit of money out of the royal treasury when he was short on pizza money, but really, just that _one_ time.

"Well...we just sort of found someone better," Katara said, shrugging and playing with her hair nervously, trying not to meet Zuko's eyes.

"Yeah," Mai agreed. "I mean, don't get me wrong, Zuko, I love you and everything, but...well, our new Fire Lord is going to be _so much_ better."

"And it's not just you," Aang added hastily, holding up his hands to block Zuko's stunned objections. "We've overthrown the Earth King and the Water Chiefs, too. Well, actually, they stepped down. The new Phoenix King was able to convince them to give up their thrones peacefully."

"The--the _Phoenix King?!_ You're overthrowing me for my _father?!_" Zuko jumped to his feet, and instantly wished he hadn't; his muscles were still half-paralyzed from Ty Lee's attack, and he quickly staggered back, aching, his back against his throne to stand semi-erect.

"What? Oh, no, don't be ridiculous," Katara said, rolling her eyes. "But he made up a cool new title for King of the World, so we figured we might as well use it."

"It _is _a pretty cool title," Sokka agreed, rubbing his chin and nodding.

"And a _really _cool new king," Katara said.

"Would you like to meet him?" Aang asked eagerly, his face awash with childlike excitement.

"Meet--who?!"

A large man Zuko vaguely recognized as an Earth Kingdom general clapped his hands loudly, then turned to the opened doorway, motioning dramatically. "All stand and behold, the great, the glorious, the mighty and benevolent ruler of the entire world--_Phoenix King Melon Lord!_"

"I am Melon Lord!" Melon Lord cried, walking triumphantly into the room, arms raised, as all of his followers, Aang and his friends included, dropped down to kowtow before him. "All bow before me, and my great and glorious power!"

"All hail King Melon Lord!" everybody cried. A few people had tears of joy shining on their faces.

Zuko, the only one except Melon Lord still standing, gaped in astonishment. "You've got to be kidding me," he muttered.

Aang raised his head. "Well, you've got to admit, Zuko, Melon Lord _is _pretty amazing. He'd make a much better ruler than you--than anybody, really. And this will solve all the world's problems, the whole decolonization thing and all that--it won't be a problem if the whole world is united under one ruler."

"Yes," Iroh agreed. "Granted, our family may not have been the best of people, but when you think about it their basic idea was fairly sound. The world needs _one ruler_ in order to bring true unity. And balance. And peace. You know, all that good stuff."

"And Melon Lord'll let all of us stay on as advisers so we can help him fulfill what's best for the world," Aang said cheerfully. "Won't it be great?!"

Zuko stared, utterly dumbstruck. Then he motioned to Melon Lord, outraged. "_That's just Toph with a melon on her head!_"

Aang blinked. "What? No it's not. That's Melon Lord."

"That's _Toph!_ She's just wearing the scarecrow outfit we used to make Melon Lord in the first place! She's just wearing a mask out of an old melon rind! Are you honestly telling me you can't tell?!"

"Do not listen to him!" King Melon Lord/Toph cried, throwing up his/her arms. "I am not Toph! I am the great and powerful _Melon Lord!_"

"I can see her eyes! I can see her weird, creepy gray eyes right through the peepholes she made in the melon!"

"Ha!" Melon Lord/Toph cried, throwing back his/her head with a laugh. "That just proves your foolishness! Why would Toph _need _peepholes? I--that is to say, she--does not need her eyes to see. So I can't be me. _Nyeh._"

And the glorious sovereign stuck out her tongue at him.

"He does have a point, Zuko," Aang said, nodding sagely.

"Yeah," Katara agreed. "I mean, that's _obviously _not Toph, Zuko. Toph has a normal head. Melon Lord's head is a melon."

"Duh," Sokka muttered, rolling his eyes.

Iroh looked concerned. "Zuko, my nephew, you must not challenge our new Phoenix King. A truly wise and sagacious king knows that there may be a time when he needs to step aside for his throne. You must put the good of the world before your own good, and give true honor where it is due. And stuff."

Zuko stared at them all in amazement. "_You can hear her voice! _She's just dropped it down a pitch! She's only four feet tall! I mean, come on, people!"

"You dare question me?!" Toph cried, pointing an accusing finger. "You must either submit to me, or pay!"

"...No!"

"Oh. Okay, then." She turned. "GUARDS! SEIZE HIM!"

Her army of Earth-, Fire- and Waterbenders--including Aang and his friends--leapt forward to obey.

It was a short battle. Skilled as Zuko was, the fact remained he was no match for so many opponents, especially when his intransigence finally forced Aang to suck out his Firebending powers. ("You can get these back later for good behavior," he'd said. Never mind trying to figure out if that was even possible or not.) He was then dragged out of the throne room, kicking and screaming against his guards, while Toph laughed maniacally and sat on his throne.

"I AM MELON LORD!" she cried, punching the air.

"ALL HAIL KING MELON LORD!" her servants called, tears of joy streaming down every face.

"No! NO! It's just Toph! I'm telling you, _it's just Toph with a melon on her head_!"

But no one paid him any heed. Instead they dragged him out of the room, out of the palace, and into the mountains surrounding the capital, to the jail reserved for the most important prisoners.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"You have a new cell mate," the guard grunted. Ozai looked up, startled. Then a pair of beefy Earth Kingdom men dragged _him_ into the room.

"No! Let me go! I am the Fire Lord! _She's just some crazy blind girl wearing fruit on her head!_"

The Fire Nation guard opened the door to the cage, and the Earth Kingdom guards threw Zuko inside with his father. The three slammed the door and walked away. Zuko ran to the bars to scream after them.

"No! Let me out! This isn't fair! What are you all, stupid or something?!"

Ozai watched him patiently. Zuko sighed, then turned slightly to watch his father out of the corner of his eye. Well, _this_ was going to be awkward. Damn, Dad had never looked quite so beefy when he had been wearing all his royal robes...

Ozai spoke. "It was Melon Lord, wasn't it?" he said hoarsely.

Zuko blinked. "Er...yeah?"

Ozai nodded. "He was always causing trouble. I should have killed him when I had the chance," he muttered.

Zuko merely gaped in amazement as his father laid down on his bed to take a nap.

* * *

Well, I hope you enjoyed that little bit of insanity. So until next time, _LONG LIVE PHOENIX KING MELON LORD!_ His head is a melon, you know. Hee-hee.

(Thanks to Surfing Pikachu for correcting the original version of this story.)


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